Gastroplod

Marco Pierre White & the not-so-great British bacon butty

July 10, 2008 by gastroplod

With all his snuffling and grunting this man is really growing on me but he does keep telling porky pies. Microwaved bacon sandwich?!? he does have the grace to say it “should come out nice and crispy”, but I can tell you now it doesn’t. I happen to know this because my mum, a reluctant cook at the best of times, has done it thus for decades and I still can’t bear the floppy dishrags produced that way. Mind you, she does buy wet cure bacon then goes on to make her sandwiches in not a panini toaster, nor a George Forman grill, but the original, ’70s modern miracle sandwich toaster – its non-stick surfaces coated with three decades’ worth of rancified margarine, also apparent on its not-very-cleanable exterior – which doesn’t exactly add to the appeal.

: original sandwich toaster

Posted in Summer | Tagged bacon, bacon sandwich, Great British Feast, Marco Pierre White, microwave, MPW | 3 Comments »

“I shoot better pissed” Marco-Pierre White

July 7, 2008 by gastroplod

The man lies exaggerates. For a start, that claim is fatuous, and moreover, his directions for perfect pork crackling betrayed me – as I suspected they might.

I’ll admit that Clarissa Dickson Wright with a wig and a penis blazing his way through the Yorkshire countryside on a quest for the Great British Feast is a beguiling sight, and his pot shots at a certain pilfering, posturing and now pigeon shooting chef are persuasive (let the feathers fly!), yet when it came to the crunch he left me with crackling stiffer than it was crisp.

True, my meat was tender and tasty with a gorgeous glaze and fat rendered below, but the dish came off half-cocked: our crackling crackled not, a monstrous munch fit for the dentally daring alone.

As a MPW virgin I found a famous chef more fascinated by food than currying favour with viewers and reviewers an inviting prospect, but although I love that surly face still, his words failed me: when he said “I don’t care” I should have believed him.

I will, however, spread the love by sharing my minor modifications to the glaze instructions in his Honey Roast Pork recipe:

Spiced Honey Glaze

6 star anise
1 tbsp cracked coriander seeds
600g runny honey
1 stock cube
200ml water

The TV show is sponsored by Knorr, hence the stock cubes, but I use their liquid concentrate so no criticism from this corner. 600g honey seems totally excessive; I used 4 TBS with around 100ml of water. Anyway, one just stirs together the water, honey, coriander seeds, star anise and stock in a saucepan and simmers the liquid until reduced by a third and fairly syrupy. Don’t abandon it or you will have savoury treacle toffee – or worse.

Marco instructs us to glaze the pork – I’m sure he glazed the crackling itself on TV – using a pastry brush. I strained out the bits, cleaved off the crackling and glazed the meat, allowing it to caramelise on the oven’s bottom shelf while I attempted (and failed) to furnace the crackling into compliance. Incidentally, I remember Heston Blumenthal mentioning the umami properties of star anise and how it subtly enhances the meatiness of meat: it certainly did the business here.

Be that as it may, my quest for unfailingly friable, crisply crunchy crackling continues. My pork rind plays peekaboo with perfect: sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!

Does anyone out there know the science behind the secret? Do I have to ask Harold McGee? Heston Blumenthal? Please, put me out of purgatory; any kind soul who knows the truth do leave a comment and let me know.

Marco’s Great British Feast ITV Wednesdays 9th, 16th & 23rd July at 2100

Posted in recipes | Tagged celebrity chefs, Marco Pierre White, MPW, pork belly, pork crackling, roast pork | 4 Comments »

strumpet in a sleeping bag (aka whore in a blanket)

June 30, 2008 by gastroplod

I mean this most sincerely, it’s not some cheap trick to lure porn-surfers to my food blog; why would I want to do that? It’s wordplay on Pigs in Blankets but to satisfy those at the back, here’s an uncut image (for illustration purposes only, please) from the mind-boggling immeatchu blog.

Not sorry to disappoint, I’m referring to the sexiest pasta sauce of all, Puttanesca; a store-cupboard classic from Naples. Puttana being Italian for whore, puttanesca means whore-style: naturally there is some debate about how it acquired this intriguingly salty name. It’s all true no doubt, but as importantly it’s a delicious dish to give hunger a good seeing-to and a pushover to pull a few ingredients from fridge and cupboard for the laziest gal – or guy – in town.

Or on a languorous afternoon, do as I did: put a bit of lead in the pencil of some elderly olive oil dough and wrap it around puttanesca’s uncooked ingredients for a putta nuda al forno: salaciously delicious – or deliciously salacious…just try twisting your tongue around that.

Putta Nuda al forno

2 salt-cured anchovies, filleted
4 sun-dried tomatoes in olive oil, sliced
10 Niçoise olives, stoned
1 TBS capers, drained
dried oregano
a fistful of olive oil dough

Shape, strew and scatter as in first pic, stretch the long edges of dough over the filling to meet in the middle and press to seal. Bake in a hot oven about ½ an hour, basting beforehand and after 15 minutes with oil from the tomatoes. Cool slightly, slice and serve.

Although there are acceptable variations to the cooked sauce, never have I encountered as total a travesty as at a certain trattoria in Vieux Nice, to which I not-entirely-ironically refer as Casa della Disasta: according to our waitress, their pasta puttanesca contained no olive, neither anchovy nor caper! Incidentally, on top of that surprise, the line at the till was not for takeaways but disgruntled diners queuing to question the errors on their bills – all in the management’s favour, natch. Make of that what you will.

Posted in ingredients, olive oil dough, packed lunch, picnic, recipes, restaurants | Tagged food, olive oil dough, puttanesca, store-cupboard recipe | 2 Comments »

not-so-supermarket price wars

June 28, 2008 by gastroplod

So Asda and Tesco have been investing wads of cash in advertising campaigns for their all-new all-phoney price war: loss leader largesse = long checkout queues. Much as I loathe the pair – for crimes against aesthetics as much as for their ethics – I must offer my congratulations: should keep some of the johnnies-come-lately credit-crunching yet 4-wheel driving riff raff out of my local Lidl.

graffiti street art photographed in Leake Street tunnel, Waterloo last Saturday

Posted in food politics, shopping | Tagged Asda, supermarkets, Tesco | Leave a Comment »

parmesan custard, anchovy infantrymen

June 26, 2008 by gastroplod

An attempt at improvising le Café Anglais’ legendary menu item had me feeling like Midas with a golden pond at sunset gilding each ramekin, but we found a custard richer than Croesus made a heavy hors d’oeuvre. Mind you, I was using all-double cream, whereas surprisingly, Mr Leigh advises a lean – almost mean – half milk/half single blend.

So, with budget and midriff in mind I gladly followed his recipe to the letter, although being disinclined to faff I can’t say the same for the anchovy toast and fell in with anchovy infantrymen instead.

Although Rowley’s recipe worked well enough, a touch of cornflour would have seen off all splitting and a dose of double cream will undoubtedly up its unctuousness. After all, if you’re going to the trouble of making this at home it might as well feel like a little luxury.

Gastroplod’s Parmesan custards & anchovy infantrymen

(with thanks to Rowley Leigh for providing my template)

300ml double cream
300ml full fat milk or single cream
100g finely grated Parmesan
4 egg yolks
a scant tablespoon cornflour
pepper, nutmeg
sliced wholemeal sandwich bread
anchoïade/anchovy paste/Gentlemen’s Relish

Lightly butter six ramekins. Scald the cream and milk in a heavy based pan then whisk in the Parmesan, keeping back a tablespoon or two for gratinating the tops, and stir to melt thoroughly. Leave to cool as rapidly as you can.

Set the oven to 150C. Whisk the egg yolks with the cornflour, making sure there are no lumps and everything is well blended, then whisk the yolk mixture into the cream/milk with a good grinding of pepper and grating of nutmeg.

Place the ramekins in a bain-marieand bake for 20 minutes, until just set. Remove from the oven and turn on the grill to medium-high. Take the ramekins from the water bath to arrest cooking and sprinkle the custards with the reserved Parmesan, then place under a hot grill for just a couple of minutes to burnish.

Toast some brown bread, scrape lightly with anchoïade, anchovy paste or Gentlemen’s Relish (Patum Peperium) and cut into soldiers for dunking into the custard; serve immediately or your warriors may turn into wimps…

Posted in recipes | Tagged anchovy, parmesan custard, recipe, toast soldiers | 2 Comments »

pain o’pulled pork

June 25, 2008 by gastroplod

A spicy, meaty, totally convenient-y version of my stuffed olive oil bread. Make a batch of pulled pork, freeze it on trays then bag for use later. Pulled pork is a Southern U.S. barbecue classic, yet amenable to countless variations and interpretations by those unfettered by the shackles of tradition (did I say bigotry?). Here’s the basic recipe:

Pulled Pork

Get hold of a 1 or 2 kg boneless pork shoulder joint and make a dry spice rub, for example:

4 TBS cumin seeds
2 TBS muscovado
6 TBS pimentón
1 TBS dried thyme
2 TBS sea salt
1 clove garlic, crushed

Grind the cumin and mix it together with the other ingredients. If your pork is tied up, untie it to expose maximum surface area and roll the meat around in the spice mix, rubbing in well so that the whole lot sticks.

If you have a slow cooker it will really come into its own now: pack the pork within – no need to tie up again as you’ll be shredding not slicing – and cook at low for several hours or even overnight. Sufficient moisture should emerge from the pork itself to make adding extra unnecessary.

If you lack a slow cooker put the pork in an ovenproof dish and place in a hot oven (200C plus). Turn the oven down immediately to 120C and cook for 3 or 4 hours or more, placing a lid on the dish after 2 hours if it looks like it might dry out. If it dried out before you got to it, pour over a very little wine, stock or water just to keep everything moist – but not wet – and replace the lid. Do make sure you’re cooking it long and slow or the meat fibres will toughen and make shredding impossible.

Remove from oven, reserving and refrigerating any excess liquid in case you need it later (skim off fat before using); let rest and cool slightly for around 15 minutes. Separate the joint into manageable pieces and shred the meat with two forks along its muscle fibres, discarding any large hunks of fat, although most will have melted away.

If freezing, spread the shredded pork out on baking trays – covered with greaseproof or silicon paper so it doesn’t stick and place in the freezer overnight or until solid, then working quickly, break into chunks and throw them into a large resealable bag to dip into for use later. It works brilliantly baked from frozen inside the olive oil dough; just make sure you freeze it in small enough clumps.

If eating straight away, the traditional manner is to add a slurp of barbecue sauce and stuff it in a burger bun to eat with coleslaw but it also goes fantastically well over rice (loosened with any leftover liquid), on a baked potato or in a burrito, and, of course, baked inside olive oil dough to make a perfect picnic or packed lunch – in slices, even party food.

Posted in olive oil dough, packed lunch, picnic, recipes | Tagged artisan bread in 5 minutes a day, olive oil dough, pulled pork | Leave a Comment »

Cafe Baixamar, Mahon de Menorca

June 24, 2008 by gastroplod

Call me weird but I just don’t like it when my waitress takes such obvious offence at any punters daring to invade her erstwhile empty restaurant. I understand her feelings; years of food service taught me there’s nothing so intrusive as a damn customer when you’ve just gotten used to a bit of solitude. But those same years – and basic economics – also taught me to stand up & snap out of it, smile brightly and serve politely: as they say, it’s not rocket science – the pay’s better.

Our handy AA Twinpack guide recommended this place for its atmosphere but I doubt it intended the ambiance generated by a blasé bint who was too patently, petulantly cool to be bloody bothered by bloody customers and at lunch-time, at that: 1.45pm, 1345 hours.

In what way was it our fault there was no chilled cava? ¡¿¡¿No chilled cava!?!? And was this girl cronies with the (frozen) calamari? Planning a painting of the (tinned) pimentóns piquillos? Dating the (possibly pre-packaged) tortilla española? We felt obliged that despite her simmering resentment our waitress brought anything at all, for not one thing was removed on her return to bar stool, tabletop disappearing beneath debris the while. Continue Reading »

Posted in overseas, restaurants, Summer | Tagged Cafe Baixamar, Minorca, waiting staff | 3 Comments »

Wong Kei rules

June 23, 2008 by gastroplod

I’m slowly, surely, resolutely and absolutely regaining lost advantage. Time was, before my extended colonial (felt more like colonic) exile, the waiting warriors of the Wong Kei on Wardour Street actually recognised me: at my appearance in the doorway their faces broke into smiles, I was greeted with hellos AND priority seating – even on Saturday nights with the 4-storey stairwell sardined floor to ceiling with bridge-and-tunnelers.

And why? My extravagant beauty and boundless charm of course; or ponder this: maybe it was because I was a regular punter and – this is important – I always tip at the Wong Kei (nothing beats cold cash & coin at melting inscrutable hearts). And I do believe if any waiters deserve a tip it’s these dudes: brusquely efficient, they’re too busy working to tell me their names, spiel out the specials (there are none) or inform me fatuously that they’ll be my waiter for the evening, but I have never known them to be rude. When my teapot needs replenishing it’s done with neither wave nor word required – talk about discreet – and our food arrives hot to trot: nothing gets to hang around the dumb waiter here.

I love eating at the Wong Kei; it’s good, it’s cheap and the streetwise professionalism of the waiters is pure entertainment when one’s companions are not. And if your Soho Saturday night is shaping up on the dull side, just try walking out of here without paying – you’ll suddenly be the (anti-)hero of your own little Jackie Chan movie, only without the humour. Or Jackie Chan. I saw two hicks attempt such a dirty trick one busy but not-so lucky night (for them); the mix of militaristic precision and street-brawl outrage with which the waiters shot into active response was poetry in motion – and with all their shouting it was thrilling indeed. Actually, don’t try this; just believe me or you will regret it and I have no idea if you’ll live to tell the tale, but I rather hope you won’t.

Instead, ingénues and interested others take note of my tips for a trip to the Wong Kei:

indicate how many in your party immediately on arrival
obey directions and go where you’re told – upstairs for couples & groups
sit where you’re told – you will probably be sharing a table with strangers
first check the menu in the window then don’t dither over it inside
be adventurous; if you pick something too weird (or too much!) they’ll tell you
shun the set menus – they’re not as good value
drink the tea: it’s free whereas the alcohol can be warm (no ice provided)
don’t ask for sugar or milk, it’s embarrassing and you won’t get them
ask if you must for a fork, or (preferably) learn chopsticks
flip the lid & keep it open for a teapot top-up/replacement
avoid the washrooms if you can on a busy night
LEAVE A TIP! show your appreciation or go elsewhere

Time Out’s online review
punters’ views on dooyoo
over-long YouTube location video
the view from Wikepedia

41-43 Wardour Street, London, W1D 6PY
020 7437 8408

approx £5 per head depending on appetite, obviously

Posted in restaurants | Tagged cheap eats, Chinatown, dining out, London, restaurants, Soho, waiters, West End | Leave a Comment »

parmesan custard with anchovy toast

June 21, 2008 by gastroplod

Oh joy! Today’s FT features Rowley Leigh sharing his wit, wisdom and, best of all, the recipe for this hot hors d’oeuvre, the talk of London town since the opening of his raved-over restaurant Le Café Anglais, which, I see, now has a visit-worthy website.
Touching to read Rowley got his inspiration for this dish from watching Rick Stein on TV; so much joy in one little weekend.

Posted in recipes, restaurants | Tagged anchovy toast, Cafe Anglais, celebrity chefs, parmesan custard, Rick Stein, Rowley Leigh | Leave a Comment »

restaurant Cafe Balear, Ciutadella de Menorca

June 20, 2008 by gastroplod

Thunderclap followed by dramatic downpour started our first full day with a bang and skewered all tanning plans – but what on earth to do in a vacation-villa ghetto with no sunshine? There’s this:

or the teeming toddlers’ activity club (no pics natch) but I’m not short enough, so once the clouds had shed their motherload we plodded north to Ciutadella. The 2km walk was slower but more interesting than taking a bus as we got to smell the landscape and discovered this domestic scene.
That’s daddy pig in the foreground (¡cuales cojones!), separated from his wife, girlfriend and countless scurrying offspring (those little shapes in the background) by a sturdy wall. Everything in the compound had acquired a uniform ruddiness from the red earth in which they snuffle so they’re hard to spot (no pun intended).

Like a corny movie, sunshine broke through as we arrived at Ciutadella harbour and the unmistakably Spanish scent of seafood and garlic a-sizzle in olive oil wafted on the breeze. Strolling by a strip of restaurants nestling along the foot of the old city wall we noticed a number were recommended by our excellent guide book but didn’t fancy their uniform demeanour, nor sitting in the shade for that matter.
Just the other side of the bridge we spot Café Balear – set apart and empty. None too promising, when all the other places are populated, but a seat in the sun and good reviews sits us down. And then the real holiday begins: our waiter recites the appetizing menu del dìa; we pick cigale carpaccio and cod alioli for T; pimentos relleños and hake for me, and what a treat they turn out to be:

I let these pictures speak for themselves, only adding that everything was spankingly fresh and flavoursome (pimentos obviously stuffed in-house) and the presentation perfect for my tastes – burnishing the alioli was an aesthetic nicety which I shall try at home. Ok, so I envied T his tasty extras: migas-stuffed tomato and a wee filo parcel of spinach with pine nuts and raisins but was happy with my hake and well satisfied.
A bottle of crisp house white (Penedès again), perfectly chilled with ice bucket, stand and napkin allowed us to take our time; as we progressed through our meal the place filled up – to bursting – and we felt pretty smug to be watching people queue for a table.

Don’t often do dessert but I’m never churlish if it’s included in the price, so ever authenticity-oriented I opted for almond cake over apple pie and T mentioned

you’ve had one crème caramel you’ve had them all

as his excuse for trying the same. Good choice, Canadian…

Service was laudably professional, efficient and friendly despite the fact the place was packed. Highly recommended, but do arrive early or book ahead.

Menu del dìa: €17 pp bottle house white: €10

Posted in overseas, restaurants, Summer | Tagged Balearic, Cafe Balear, Ciudadela, Ciutadella, cod alioli, Minorca, pimentos rellenos, restaurant | 3 Comments »

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